5 Things I Had to Let Go of After Losing My Husband

Becoming a widow at 56 was never part of my plan.

When the knock on my door changed everything, the life I had always known ended in an instant. Suddenly, I found myself trying to navigate a life I never wanted while carrying a broken heart. It was, without question, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Looking back now, I can see there were things I needed to let go of if I was going to move forward instead of staying stuck in my grief. None of them took away the pain of losing Keith, and they certainly didn't make me miss him any less. But each one created a little more room for God to begin healing my heart.

If you're walking this road too, my prayer is that one or more of these will encourage you. You don't have to have the rest of your life figured out today. You simply need to be willing to take the next step God places in front of you.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Lay Down What You Can't Carry

One of the biggest things I had to let go of was the commitments I no longer had the strength to carry. For me, that meant leaving my job.

This wasn't a decision I made overnight, and it certainly wasn't one I made lightly. Financially, it didn't make sense. Before Keith passed away, my job was stressful even on a normal day. Afterward, I simply didn't have the emotional or mental capacity to keep doing what I'd always done.

I spent a lot of time praying about that decision. I sought wisdom from people I trusted and asked the Lord to make His direction clear. Little by little, I sensed Him leading me to take a step of faith and trust that if I made room to care for my broken heart, He would take care of the rest.

Looking back now, I can tell you He did exactly that.

Now, I realize not every widow has the option to leave her job. Your circumstances may be completely different from mine. But this isn't really about employment. It's about recognizing that grief changes what you're able to carry.

Maybe for you it's serving in a ministry you've faithfully led for years. Maybe it's hosting every family gathering because you've always been the one everyone depends on. Maybe it's saying yes to every request because you don't want to disappoint anyone.

The problem is that we often expect ourselves to keep living as though nothing has changed.

But everything has changed.

Your heart has experienced one of life's deepest losses. It makes sense that your capacity has changed too.

Giving yourself permission to step back for a season isn't weakness. Sometimes it's wisdom. Sometimes it's exactly what your heart needs in order to begin healing.

That doesn't mean you'll never return to those commitments. It simply means you're giving yourself the grace to acknowledge where you are today instead of expecting yourself to function like you did before.

One of the questions I had to begin asking myself was this:

What am I trying to carry that God never asked me to carry in this season?

That's a difficult question, but it's an important one.

Sometimes we keep carrying responsibilities out of guilt. Sometimes it's because we're afraid of letting people down. Other times, we simply don't know how to slow down because staying busy feels easier than facing our grief.

Healing often requires creating space. Space to breathe. Space to grieve. Space to sit quietly with the Lord and allow Him to begin restoring the broken places in your heart.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." — 1 Peter 5:7

2. Stop Trying to Make Everyone Understand

Another thing I eventually had to let go of was trying to make everyone understand my grief.

If you've been widowed for any length of time, you've probably discovered how impossible that can feel. The truth is, no one understands the broken heart of a widow quite like another widow. Even then, no one can fully understand your unique journey because no one shared your marriage, your memories, or your loss.

For a long time, I found myself wanting people to understand why I made certain decisions. Why I wasn't ready for some things. Why I needed space. Why certain comments hurt so deeply. I wanted people to understand because I thought that if they understood, they would accept the choices I was making.

Eventually, I realized those were two very different things.

Some people were never going to understand. Not because they didn't care, but because they couldn't. How could they fully grasp something they had never experienced themselves? In many ways, I couldn't even make sense of what I was feeling, so how could I expect someone else to?

That realization was surprisingly freeing. Instead of spending so much emotional energy trying to explain myself, I began entrusting those relationships to God. He understood what no one else could. He understood the questions I couldn't answer, the tears I couldn't explain, and the fear, loneliness, and confusion that I often couldn't even put into words.

Knowing that God fully understood my heart gave me the freedom to stop chasing everyone else's approval. That doesn't mean it stopped hurting when people said insensitive things or questioned my decisions. But it did mean those conversations no longer carried the same weight they once had.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself during this season is the freedom to stop explaining every decision you make. You don't have to justify why you're keeping the house. You don't have to defend why you're selling it. You don't owe everyone an explanation for why you've decided to move, change jobs, start something new, or simply slow down for a while.

As you seek the Lord and allow Him to guide your steps, trust that His direction is enough—even when other people don't understand. The people who truly love you may not always understand your decisions, but they can still love you through them. And those who don't understand? You can lovingly leave that in God's hands.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."  — Psalm 32:8

3. Let Go of the Word "Never"

There was another habit I had to let go of that surprised me.

I had to stop saying the word never.

Now, I understand why we do this. In those early days and months of grief, our emotions are so overwhelming that we can't imagine life ever looking different. We make decisions based on what we can handle in that moment, and sometimes that's exactly what we need to do.

I remember saying I would never sell my house.

At the time, that was the right decision. My heart wasn't ready for another major change, and I don't regret making it. But what I couldn't see then was that grief isn't a place where we stay. God continues to work in our hearts, gently healing us and leading us one step at a time.

A little over two years later, I began to sense the Lord stirring my heart. For the first time, I was open to the possibility that maybe He was leading me somewhere new. Before long, I found myself doing the very thing I once said I'd never do.

Looking back now, I'm so thankful I didn't lock myself into a decision based on what I could or couldn't imagine in those early months of grief. What once felt impossible became the very path God used to lead me into the next chapter of my life.

Maybe you've said you'll never move. You'll never travel. You'll never go back to church. You'll never laugh again. Or maybe you've simply convinced yourself that life will never get any better.

If that's where you are today, I understand. I remember wondering if the heaviness would ever lift. It seemed impossible to imagine a future that wasn't consumed by pain.

One of the things that breaks my heart the most is hearing widows say, "It never gets any better." I understand why they feel that way because I remember wondering the same thing. But here's what I've discovered: while your loss will always be part of your story, it won't always feel as heavy as it does today.

Little by little, God strengthens you to carry both your grief and your love. The fog begins to lift. Joy slowly finds its way back into your life. And before you realize it, you're taking steps you once thought you'd never take.

You don't have to know what the rest of your life looks like today. You simply need to be willing to let God lead you one step at a time. As He heals your heart, don't be surprised if He changes it too.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" — Isaiah 43:18-19

4. Let Go of Trying to Grieve Alone

Of all the things I had to let go of, this one probably had the biggest impact on my healing.

For months, I truly believed that my faith should be enough. I thought that if I just spent enough time with the Lord, read my Bible, and prayed, I'd eventually find my way through the pain. After all, I had been a biblical counselor for women. I was used to helping other people through difficult seasons, so surely I should be able to do this on my own.

But I couldn't.

And the truth is, God never asked me to.

About eight months after Keith passed away, I had gone through my first Christmas and New Year's without him. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I reached a point where I knew I couldn't keep living the way I was. I wasn't moving forward. I was simply surviving.

That's when I reached out to GriefShare.

I'll never forget making that phone call. I cried through the entire conversation with the woman who answered. Even taking that first step felt overwhelming because asking for help meant admitting that I couldn't do this by myself.

But it was also one of the best decisions I made.

I ended up attending GriefShare for an entire year. It didn't magically take away my pain, but every session helped me take another small step forward. I gained a little more clarity. I started realizing that what I was experiencing was normal. I no longer felt like I was the only person in the world who thought or felt the way I did.

There is something incredibly healing about sitting in a room with people who don't need you to explain yourself.

They simply understand.

Support doesn't erase your grief. It doesn't make the tears stop or remove the ache of missing your husband. What it does is remind you that you're not crazy. You're not weak. And you're certainly not alone.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from widows is how lonely they feel, and that loneliness is very real. But sometimes, without even realizing it, we make it even heavier by shutting everyone out.

I understand that too.

There were times when I wanted to withdraw from the world because everything felt exhausting. It's okay to have seasons where you need quiet and where your circle becomes smaller. But if we stay there too long, isolation begins to convince us that we're supposed to carry this burden by ourselves.

We're not.

God created us for relationship. He designed us to encourage one another, bear one another's burdens, and remind each other of His faithfulness when we struggle to see it ourselves.

If you're trying to do grief on your own, can I gently encourage you to take one small step toward support?

It doesn't have to be a huge leap.

Maybe it's reaching out to another widow. Maybe it's joining a grief support group. Maybe it's talking with someone you trust.

Whatever that first step looks like for you, don't keep carrying this burden by yourself.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is allowing safe people to walk alongside you as God continues healing your heart.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." — Galatians 6:2

5. Stop Forcing Yourself Into Places You're Not Ready For

This last one may surprise you, and it's something I hesitate to talk about because I never want my words to be misunderstood.

One of the things I had to let go of was forcing myself into places my broken heart simply wasn't ready for.

For me, that place was church.

Before you stop reading, please hear my heart.

I love the church. I've spent years discipling women, and I wholeheartedly believe God designed us to gather together with other believers. Worshipping alongside God's people is important, and I would never encourage someone to walk away from that.

But in those first several months after Keith died, attending church became one of the hardest things I faced. Every memory was there.

It was the church where we had worshipped together, where our daughters had grown up, where we had dedicated our children, and where Keith's funeral was held. I tried going back several times because I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

Each time I left feeling even more overwhelmed.

I remember sitting through one service during a baby dedication. Everyone else seemed engaged, but I could barely hear what was being said. My world had completely fallen apart, and I simply didn't have the emotional capacity to care about what was happening around me.

My heart wasn't being rebellious. It was broken.

For a season, my daughters and I began watching church from home. I was still spending time with the Lord. I was still worshipping Him. I wasn't turning away from my faith. I simply needed some time and space while my heart was beginning to heal.

I like to compare it to someone recovering from a serious car accident.

If your body had suffered multiple injuries, no one would expect you to immediately jump back into every normal activity. Everyone would understand that healing takes time.

When your husband dies, your heart is in the ICU.

People can't see those wounds, but they are every bit as real.

Sometimes your heart simply isn't ready for large gatherings, crowded rooms, or places filled with painful memories.

And that's okay.

Notice I said for a season.

This isn't permission to isolate yourself forever. In fact, there came a point when I sensed the Lord gently nudging my heart again. It was time.

Not because someone pressured me. Not because I felt guilty. But because God had been faithfully healing me, and He was leading me into the next step.

For me, that meant finding a new church. It was a fresh start, and looking back, I can see how kind God was in leading me there. He surrounded me with people who encouraged me, including another widow who became a dear friend and was a tremendous part of my healing journey.

Now, I also know widows whose experience was completely different.

For some women, continuing to attend church every week became one of the greatest sources of healing they had.

That's why this isn't really about church.

It's about learning to listen to the Lord instead of feeling pressured by other people's expectations.

Your healing journey won't look exactly like mine. It won't look exactly like anyone else's.

As you seek the Lord, ask Him what your heart needs in this season. If He leads you to step back from something for a time, trust Him. And when He begins nudging you forward again, trust Him then too.

He knows how to care for your broken heart far better than anyone else ever could.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'"— Isaiah 30:21

Wrapping It Up

From where I am now, I can see that healing wasn't about becoming stronger. It wasn't about pretending everything was okay or trying to get back to the woman I used to be.

Healing began when I started letting go.

I let go of responsibilities I no longer had the strength to carry. I stopped trying to make everyone understand my grief. I let go of the word never. I stopped trying to walk through this alone. And I gave myself permission to stop forcing my broken heart into places it wasn't ready for.

None of those decisions made the pain disappear.

But each one created a little more room for God to do what only He could do.

Maybe as you've been reading, one of these has stood out to you. Maybe you've been carrying something God is inviting you to lay down. Maybe you've been trying to prove something to other people. Maybe you've convinced yourself your future is already decided. Or maybe you've been trying to carry your grief all by yourself.

Whatever it is, you don't have to figure out the rest of your life today.

Just take the next step God is placing in front of you.

He isn't asking you to have all the answers. He's simply inviting you to trust Him with today. And as you do, don't be surprised if, little by little, He begins redeeming the story you thought was over.

Now What?

You don't have to have the rest of your life figured out today. You simply need to be willing to take the next step God places in front of you.

If you're not sure what that next step is, start with my free Broken Heart Check-Up. It will help you discover where you are in your healing journey and what may be keeping you stuck.

And if you're tired of trying to carry your grief alone, I'd love to invite you to learn more about The Redeemed Widow Community. It's a place where I'll personally walk alongside you, helping you navigate the challenges of widowhood, find clarity for the road ahead, and discover the hope God still has for your future.